What do you think of this story?

It's not finished this is just the beginning, tell me what you think





Moving聽



Have you ever had to move away from your friends? Have you ever had to move for the people you know? Well聽if you have you know how hard it is, but if not here is my story.



It all started when me and my family, went to Canada in the February half term. We stayed in Toronto聽聽The weather was hot and the people were so friendly. On one day we visited a small country Market on the outskirts of town, on our way we stopped at a small village, all of the houses were identical a yellow coloured brick work and a grey slated roof, one of he houses were up for sale, mum really liked the look of it and arranged for a viewing. Despite this meaning to be a family holiday for my little brothers birthday, all we have been doing is going back and forth this house. It would be great to move here but what about my friends, family and school. But mum has always wanted to live somewhere it doesn't rain just after Coming out of the hair salon, or when your in your local supermarket and people push in front of you in the queue, so this would be hard to pursued her to quit while she was ahead.



聽We 聽got home on the Saturday and 聽mum has already arranged for the house to be valued and she is meeting with very posh estate agents who wear long black trousers and a White shirt or a pleated blouse. Everything is happening so fast.



聽Monday came so quick, 聽I knew I had to tell my friend that I might be moving away, as I walk alone into school grounds the rain was dripping out of my hair and down my face but that doesn't matter i am more worried about what was I going to tell my friends, I聽can't just drop a bombshell on them like that. I made my way into the school hall, as I got in through the door, snaked my hair dry. I push my way through the crowds of people and bumped into on of my friends chloe,



"how was your holiday? Did you have a good time?" she shouted trying to get her voice above the crowds. You would think I was at a rock concert. luckily I the bell went and I didn't have to answer, but now the not so lucky bit, the crowds of people were pushing like it was feeding time at the zoo. We walked up to class, al of the pupils in my class looked like pale ghosts compared to the people in Toronto, I saw my friends on the large round desk at the back of the classroom I grabbed a stool and sat next to them.



"so how was your holiday? What did you do ?" Chloe always is the one to ask questions,聽



" I had a great time, I stayed in a big hotel with a pool,the sun was so bright and it was so hot," ok now for the lies I thought " we went to the beach every day, we went to a theme park and went to a water park, it was amazing." I had to lie, if I told them I might moving on the first day of term they would be crushed.





Would you read more?What do you think of this story?
I honestly can't say I would. The "will she tell them she's moving?" mystery isn't very appealing. I mean, they'll find out eventually even if she doesn't tell them. And what will they do if she doesn't and they're mad? Go find her and yell at her? Not likely.



Also the grammar is so bad it made my eyes hurt. You need to learn how to keep your writing in one tense at all times. It shifts a lot and makes it difficult for the reader to understand what's going on.



You have some run on sentences as well. There are a lot of misspellings, too. There was at least one instance where there was completely irrelevant information placed into the story. "so how was your holiday? What did you do ?" Chloe always is the one to ask questions, ---that's an example. It shows both the inattention to grammar and the random insertion of information.



Also, I think you might be using words that you wouldn't normally use just to make the story look more...dignified, for lack of a better term. You should write in the style that comes easiest to you (provided it's grammatically correct ;P) and not bother with words that are awkward sounding in the context of the story (i.e. pupils).



I hope these helped you with your story. A lot of people get mad at me for my answers to their questions for some reason. This is what critiques are all about: honesty so that the author can improve. Coddling will only hurt the writer in the end.



On a more encouraging note. If you are at all impressed with my writing, you should know that I started off just like you. It take time and practice to get better, so keep going!What do you think of this story?
Yes because you are good at hiding an end to the story.Also not that it matters but the quotes could be improved.16.5/10